The Book Of Bape

Timestamp

Names have been changed to protect the unfortunate.

1PM, August 31. This pops into my inbox:

I’ve noticed your BLOGZONE work lately. Great stuff.

You probably know about Mender Dhali’s newest launch, the travel company Trippr. But did you
>know that he chose PressUp as his content curation partner for
Trippr? Why?
>He knows that CEO Jim John understands both software and media. And
>he is the king of content curation. “He listens and
incorporates our feedback, allowing us to improve our tools,” says Dhali.

PressUp plans to reveal new capabilities at Content Marketing
World on Sept 4.

I’d love for you to get to know the company. Care to chat with CEO
Jim John in the next week or so?

Okay, this could be spam. It’s addressed to me and I do write for BLOGZONE…but I don’t recognize this person at all. Or the Trippr business. Or really any of these names at all. Should I? 

1:11pm. My inbox again. 

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

Okay, maybe you’re real. Hmm.The gears in my head start turning. I am in the business of content curation. I am being personally invited to speak to the CEO of a company that produces content curation software. They have a new product coming—a new product that may need new employees to maintain. I maintain these kinds of things…at least on the front end. Is this a job offer? No way. 

1:15pm. 

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

Okay, weird. Better get back to work…

1:19pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

1:22pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

What the hell is going on. 

1:27pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

1:31pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

1:35pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

If this is correct, somewhere, there’s an entire office looking at my resume. 

1:39pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

Okay, where’s my phone. Hey Ma! Guess what! I don’t know what’s going on, don’t worry I’m okay, but I think I’m being scouted for a job? I’m gettin’ introduced to the CEO and they’re looking at my resume like mad!! It’s really vague and the email looks weird, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself but wow!

1:43pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

IT’S STILL HAPPENING! How much should I bite for? $45,000 a year? $50k too low!? Let’s see who these guys are…WOAH!! Los Angeles!? Maybe you’re right?? …$75k, that’s it. That’s all I’m willing to budge on. Okay, maybe $70 or $60 thou…

1:47pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

Alright I gotta get back to work, yeah I’m emailing them back. Hell yeah I’m interested! There’s only 15 people in their office and I’m on 10 downloads and counting!!

B, 

I would be delighted to meet with Jim next week.

It’s not like I have anything else going on, haha…

My schedule is wide open! Please feel free let me know what’s most convenient for you.

1:51pm.

Someone has downloaded your Resume.pdf. 

Hot shit! How about that!! Awesome, awesome awesome awesome…

Leaving me hanging for the weekend, that’s okay…I understand, Labor Day weekend and all. Have fun. 

Naaah, surely they aren’t trying to sell me on something. That message was so vague, though! What exactly are they getting at? Maybe they’re trying to sell me something…no way, why would they download my resume ELEVEN times!? 

Great, I have to put those other job offers on hold. I know they want me to start ASAP…yeah, so it’ll cost $1600 just to break my lease on this new apartment I just moved into…what am I gonna do about seeing Catherine, we only get weekends to ourselves now and I might be on the other side of the damn country now!? No, sorry, can we push that interview back to later next week? Something came up, hah, I realize you can fill those other positions, yes I’m sorry…

September 4, 2pm. 

Andrew, 

It turns out Jim’s schedule is jam-packed through the
> rest of this week with Content Marketing.  Would next
>week be okay for you? Let me know some dates and
> times that work for you and I’ll try to pencil you in.

>Best, 
B~ 

Well…I really want this other job I’ve already gotten an interview for. I don’t even know what you want from me. And what the hell is this even for!? Do you even understand that I value my time? I have no idea what you want and you want me to reschedule. Sure, great. Really pushing me here, but what do I even say!? Better not be rude…

B,

That’s fine…might I ask what this is about? I’ve got a few interviews next week and I’d like to know how much time I need to plan for.

Thanks,
Andrew

 Okay, that should clear the air. Fair enough, I honestly don’t know what this is about. I hope…

2:20pm.

Andrew,

I’m not sure what you mean when you ask “what is this about,” other than to say I think Jim will want to tell you about the new capabilities PressUp plans to introduce in the next month. How much time do you usually allot for briefings? 20 minutes? If you guys go more in-depth, maybe longer. I don’t think there will be a live demo, but Jim may be able to share screenshots.

WAIT SO YOU DOWNLOADED MY RESUME ALMOST A DOZEN TIMES AND SENT SOME VAGUE SHITTY EMAIL TO SELL ME ON SOMETHING???? LADY I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT JIM WANTS TO TELL ME UNLESS IT’S THE LATEST AND GREATEST NEW PRODUCT THAT AUTOMATICALLY INSERTS MY BOOT INTO HIS ASS. FUCK YOU, YOUR COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST IN MY GODDAMN TIME, YOUR SHITTY TILDE, YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUR BLOWING UP MY INBOX NOT KNOWING HOW TO COPY A FUCKING FILE, AND GATDAMN YOUR FAKE ASS HAIRDO GET OFF MY LINKEDIN FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCKYFOUCUKYOUFUKCYOU

  • 4 September 2012